By P.B. Bodin
Note: This is a work of satire. That means this is actual fake news.
WASHINGTON D.C. — Thousands of former Democrats and Independents are rushing to change political affiliation to Republican, after learning that counties that voted Republican in the last presidential election tend to be less impacted by the COVID-19 coronavirus.
The surge appears to be in response to an uptick this week in social media posts that compare coronavirus’s spread and deadliness against things like whether a state’s governor is Republican or Democrat, state income tax rates, and the state’s tendency to have a balanced budget. Democratic states and cities tend to not fare well in these comparisons leading many to switch teams.
“It’s hard to argue with that kind of evidence,” said former Detroit-area Cinnabon manager Carl Jones. “I’m still trying to come around to a lot of the GOP policy I used to disagree with, but I gotta do what’s right to keep me and my family safe, you know?”
Headlines from a recent New York Times article “The Coronavirus Is Deadliest Where Democrats Live” only add fuel to the fire of what appears to be a conservative awakening.
“Wow. If a liberal rag like the New York Times is running headlines like that, you know things are dire for the Democrats” said previously-independent voter and CPA Karen Fleming. She added, “I didn’t really read the actual article, but if I did I’m pretty sure I’d still feel this way.”
It seems only natural that city-dwelling citizens would be drawn to the ideology that seems to empirically be less susceptible to the virus, and leading experts sound like they might agree.
In video statement, Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases reiterated his appreciation for the Republican Party. “Frankly, I’m just happy to have a job.” Fauci added that adopting a conservative party affiliation has “probably the same level of evidence” as injecting disinfectants. Fauci declined to comment whether these effects were additive.
Further, in a surprise move, the CDC has updated their guidelines on social distancing to include encouraging people to change their party affiliation and post frequently on social media about it.
“In a way, this could enhance traditional methods of social distancing like wearing masks in public, washing hands, and avoiding touching one’s face” said Robert R. Redfield, MD, Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “We observe that high rates of non-original political social media activity, especially frequent reposting of politically-themed memes, one-liners, and screenshots of unlinked headlines, have the natural effect of discouraging social interaction. The data is still coming in, but this might just save some lives.”
When asked what they thought the main differences were between areas impacted by the virus, freshly-minted Republican partisans were divided.
“It might have to do with tenure. I just hope I’m not too late,” said Jones. “I wasted so many years as a snowflake liberal. I can only hope my voter registration card will make me as hearty as my long-time conservative friends.”
“Whoever created coronavirus obviously didn’t account for the rugged, freedom-loving determination of the Republican Party… I guess” shouted Fleming over the sound of Toby Keith’s “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue”. “Oh the music? That’s just the new normal.”
When asked whether other factors besides ideology might account for the difference in how infectious disease spreads in urban zones with lots of people living in close proximity (and which also tend to skew more blue politically) — versus suburban or rural communities that tend to be more Republican (and where people are more spread out) — interviewees unanimously responded, “Population density map? No, I don’t think that’s a thing.”
Note: This is a work of satire. That means this is actual fake news.
The Noteworthy 